Unlocking Self-Compassion
“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”
C.G. Jung
Our Inner Critic
Often when first meeting new clients and explaining the concept of CBT I use an imaginary situation that involves me tripping and falling through the door. I hurt my knee, drop my paperwork and in my mind have just created a terrible first impression. I explain the awful judgement and my inner critic that screams at me, “You are so stupid! This new client is going to think you are so unprofessional.” Berating myself like this leads to me being flustered and rushing to start the session on a better footing. However, in the process, I am not representing my best self, as my focus is being drawn in other directions rather than on the client. My knee is sore, I cannot think clearly, and my thoughts are around creating a better impression of myself and not on the issue they have come with.
If this situation had happened to a client instead of myself what would be different? I would be kind, patient, caring, supportive etc. Directing that response internally is known as self-compassion. My internal dialogue was self-deprecating, I was my own worst enemy. Instead, what if I was my own biggest cheerleader?
Nurturing Self-Compassion
Self-compassion appears to be much more challenging than the automatic response we have with others. We are likely to make mistakes, we are not perfect, we might even regret some of those mistakes. However, I wonder how different our lives could be if we did not dwell on our regrets but were compassionate with ourselves. Psychologists are discovering that self-compassion enhances performance in a variety of settings.
Three Pillars of Self-Compassion
People with greater levels of self-compassion demonstrate three distinct behaviours:
Kindness over judgment
They respond to their own mistakes with kindness rather than harsh judgment.
Recognising that we all fail
They recognise that failures are something that everyone experiences.
A balanced approach to negative emotions
Acknowledging negative emotions when mistakes occur but preventing them from taking over.
Embracing Change
By accepting ourselves as we are, we let go of the self-hatred and disempowering thoughts and behaviour.
In my online space, The Sanctuary, I have an amazing resource all based around you inner critic. Find out ways to tame that berating voice and find your inner coach!
“Your inner critic is simply a part of you that needs more self-love.”